Revenge of the shippers
by Dramaphile
Summary: this is an old fic I wrote two years ago, don't critique it for writing skills, i know it's bad, it's just very amusing


Revenge of the Shippers  
By Drama Xfdramababe@bolt.com and Niki Shippe4702@aol.com  
Category: Story, Humor  
Spoilers: Two fathers, very small for the war of the coprophages and anything with Krycek  
Disclaimer: well, Karyn belongs to me because she is me, and Niki and Krysten belong to themselves. As for Chris Carter, he belongs to his wife, and David Duchovny belongs to Tea, no matter how much I want him to be mine. I think that about covers everything. Oh yeah, The X files isn't mine either... it belongs to any combination of the following: Chris Carter, 20th century FOX, and/or Ten thirteen productions. Now I'm done  
Author's notes: okay; now this is not an X files story in the conventional sense... I just found some of my very old fic notebooks and noticed this nice little round robin I wrote with my best friend, Niki about a year and a few months ago, right after Two Fathers aired. Now, most of this is relatively irrelevant to the current X files situation, but it was old and funny, so I'm typing it up for you guys. It starts with Niki and trades off from there... so here it is:   
  
Revenge of the shippers  
  
Niki's part:  
I turned off my television. I had just finished watching my favorite show in the whole world, The X files. Tonight had been an exciting episode. It was the beginning of a two-parter entitled "Two Fathers/One Son." The episode had been nicknamed Full Disclosure and it was supposed to answer a whole bunch of questions, but not the ones I wanted answered. Sure, I would love to know who CSM is and it would be awesome to find out who abducted Scully and what happened to Samantha, but what about the relationship between Mulder and Scully, how are they dealing with each other? The phone rang, and I immediately knew it was Karyn.   
"Hello, Karyn. Can I kill her now?"  
She Laughed. Who I am referring to is Agent Diana Fowley, aka Mulder's former chickadee, and recently a cause of jealously on Scully's part and now she words for the syndicate baddies.  
"No, Niki, we can't. I wish we could though. You know Chris Carter is just doing this to piss me off!"  
"You know," I said, "Things would be different if I was running the show."  
I could hear her hysterical laughter on the other end of the line. She was probably rolling on the floor.  
"Niki, if you were running the show, it would be rated TV-MA! We'd lose all the noromo viewers."  
"No we wouldn't, I would just improve it slightly. I mean, c'mon, how long can they continue to ignore what happened? They practically kissed after 5 years, I think they would remember that! They weren't even uncomfortable with each other. They've had so many chances and Chris just ignores them! I think it's time to get our revenge, the Revenge of the Shippers!"  
With a hint of fear in her voice, Karyn dared to ask. "Niki, what are you talking about? What's the revenge of the shippers?"  
I laughed evilly.  
"Karyn, a revolution! We fly to LA, capture Chris Carter, talk to him, torture him, and make him see the error of his ways! I'm talking a full-scale revolution here! I could spread the word online. This could be huge!"   
Karyn paused, taking in my words.  
"What do you mean by torture? Can I use Druid Human Sacrifice?" She asked, hopeful.  
"No, for God's sake no. We want to talk to him, not go to jail! We lock him in his office, handcuff him if we must, and if he gets unruly, you can _tell_ him about your druid human sacrifice and how much it would hurt if we were forced to use it."  
She sighed. "Niki, how are we supposed to get away without our parents knowing?"  
"That's easy. We have a four-day weekend, and we'll each tell our parents that we're staying at each other's houses for the whole time because we have a project due on Monday. Then, we'll call every day to reassure them. We'll be on the first flight home on Sunday morning and no one will suspect a thing!"  
"let's do it!"  
  
~~~~~~~  
[This is Karyn now...It's my turn to write!!!]   
On Friday morning, Niki called me to reaffirm the flight plans.  
"Okay, Karyn, I'll see you at the airport in one hour"  
"Make sure to bring the floor plans our hacker friend got for us and your lock pick."  
"Lock pick? Huh?"  
"Never mind, I'll bring mine"  
"You have a lock pick?" I sighed. Niki's hopeless with these kind of things.   
"Yes. Get over it, okay!"  
"Alright, see you then." I put down the phone. Doesn't everyone have a lock pick? I finished packing my catsuit and ski mask and went over my plans one more time before I left for the airport.  
  
10:13 am PST Lindbergh Field International Airport, San Diego, CA  
  
We met at the terminal 25 minutes before takeoff. After checking our bags and going over any last minute changes, Niki and I synchronized out watches and waited anxiously for the flight to begin boarding.  
"Flight 1013 to LAX now boarding at terminal 27!" called the too perky voice of the announcer.  
"C'mon, Niki! That's our flight!" I called to my distracted partner-in-crime.  
Niki looked up from her X Files paperback novel. "Huh?"  
"They just called our flight." She grabbed her laptop and carryon bag and we boarded the plane.  
Once we had boarded, I stowed our carryon bags and we sat in our very uncomfortable seats. Thank god it's a short flight I though.   
A stewardess with a name tag that said "Hi! My name is Bambi!" walked by us and I whispered to Niki.   
"I wonder is she believes in alien cockroaches too." Niki giggled.  
For the rest of the flight, I concentrated on my latest piece of fic, an alone on a desert island kind of story called "The Tempest", and Niki read her x files paperback. When we landed, Niki and I put away our books and waited patiently (well, sort of) to get off.   
After we deplaned and claimed our luggage, it was lunchtime. We stopped at a nearby Pizza Hut to get some nourishment.  
"Yeah, we'll have a medium pizza, half extra cheese, half Hawaiian." The waitress left and we began to get together our plans.  
"We will rendezvous just outside of FOX studios in about..." I glanced at my musical Winnie the Pooh watch. "...one hour and thirty two minutes."  
"How do we plan to gain access to the offices?"  
"Air vents of course. That's why I asked for a map of the ventilation system."  
"Oh, of course"   
Moments later, our pizza arrived and we devoured it like vultures on a dead coyote (well, something like that). I paid our bill and we departed for the motel. Sure, it was a Motel6, but it was cheap and had clean rooms and hot showers. Niki checked us in and we dragged our luggage up the stairs to room #42. I put the key in the door and turned it slowly. The door swung open and revealed a small, yet comfortable room with two beds and a bathroom. Niki and I dropped our bags in the floor and I collapsed on the bed.  
"I'm tired! Dragging luggage is hard!"  
Niki nodded in agreement then checked her watch. 1:33.   
"We don't have much time to rest, we rendezvous in 27 minutes." I opened my duffel and extracted a bag containing my catsuit, ski mask, and my breaking and entering supplies. Niki pulled out a list of things we needed.  
"Okay, do you have your lock pick?"  
"Check"  
"Flashlight?"  
"Check"  
"Radio?"  
"Check"  
"Sunflower seeds?"   
"Check"  
"Rope?"  
"No check. I've got better: Industrial strength super tacky duct tape."  
"Ooh.. Technical."  
"Yeah, that and we don't have to tie it."  
We went through the rest of the list and then checked off Niki's supplies before we grabbed our stuff and left for FOX studios.  
  
2:00 p.m. PST just outside FOX Studios.  
  
After hugs and how are you's were exchanged with our shippy accomplices, Krysten gave us the lowdown.  
"Okay, we've got you booked on a tour of the studios on 10 minutes. Now, when you pass the door marked "maintenance supplies", stay behind and pick the lock and enter when no one's looking. Hoist yourselves into the ventilation system and follow this map until you're just above Chris's office then wait for the signal. Here. Put on these earpieces so we can tell you when he is alone. When I give you the okay, shoot this tranquilizer at him. It works almost immediately, but the effects wear off in 5 minutes so you'll have to tape him as quickly as possible." I nodded   
"Then, when he wakes up, the fun begins." Krysten grinned maniacally.  
"I trust you've brought all the necessary supplies?"  
"Of course."  
Now it was my turn to grin. She handed me the maps of the building and the ventilation system and the earpieces. I studied the map, then handed it to Niki, and then inserted my earpiece.   
"Testing, 1-2-3" said Krysten into her reciever.  
"I hear you loud and clear."  
Niki gave her a thumbs up signal. I removed my earpiece and slipped it into my jeans pocket and Niki and I headed for the starting point of the tour.  
  
[I'm back! It's Niki's turn to write!]  
  
I looked around and spotted the tour guide. He was hot and his name tag said 'Hi! I'm Alex." I couldn't help but laugh. I nudged Karyn and pointed him out to her.  
"I wonder if he likes to kill alien-human clones?" She grinned demonically.   
15 minutes into the tour, I saw the door to the maintenance room and Karyn and I slipped away. I was tempted to say "goodbye ratboy!" But Karyn dragged me into the room before I could. She unscrewed the vent cover and soon we were crawling through the vents.  
  
30 minutes later, still in the vents!  
  
"Karyn, I told you we should turned three rights ago! Now we're going straight instead of backwards where we should be and north instead of east! Will you just listen to me?"  
She glared at me.   
"Niki, I know where I'm going!"  
I was getting mad. "Karyn, you're just as stubborn as Mulder when it comes to Diana Fowley who is a &$(%#&*$@!! Now that I think of it!" She sighed, agreed and relinquished the map. I found our way and in 15 minutes we were directly over the office of *him* Yes the surfing god! Chris Carter was talking on the telephone with his feet up on the desk. He was in a heated conversation.  
"Look, David, I know you and Gillian think that it's time for a little romance but... Yes, I know your character remembers what happened... I know Fox said... sorry, I know Mulder told Scully that he loved her and meant it but... Yes, Gillian told me she read all that fanfic but... yes, I know over half the viewers want.. LOOK, I'm the producer or whatever the hell title I have but you and Gillian and your precious shippers are going to have to wait. I don't care if you made up shippers and started it online. I have a plan and all your dreams will be answered and brought to reality in the 8th season (okay, here's the deal with this line. I honestly wrote this back two years ago right after One son. I think I'm psychic or something...) I just have to tease those sappy shippers a little longer... yes, ... okay ... BYE DAVID! Ciao, whatever BYE!"  
  
[I'm ba-ack! (It's Karyn) oh, by the way, I was not lost, I just took a wrong turn and... oh never mind!]  
  
He slammed down the phone into its cradle.  
"Actors" he muttered. "Who needs em... Oh wait, I do"  
The surfing god leaned back into his chair. Now was my chance! I aimed my tranquilizer gun at his neck. I squeezed the trigger and the tiny dart sailed right into the side of his neck. Like an old spy movie, he clutched the dart and went suddenly limp. very potent stuff! I thought to myself. I carefully lowered myself into the office and then helped Niki get down from the vent. Then, our work began.  
I checked my watch. We had exactly four minutes before the tranquilizer wore off. I pulled the duct tape from my backpack and began taping his ankles while Niki pulled out the necessary supplies. I taped his wrists and arms to the chair as Niki took his phone off the hook and disconnected the intercom.  
"Mmm?" holy shi-pper! He's waking up!  
I quickly taped his mouth and got ready for him to wake up.   
Chris opened his eyes groggily and looked around. His eyes got really wide when he saw us.  
"Mht duh Hunh?" I think he said 'what the hell?" but it was muffled by the duct tape.  
I took off my ski mask and shook out my hair. I looked at the man strapped to the chair in front of me and grinned.  
Niki spoke up first.  
"Hi! We're not here to kidnap you or kill you."  
"Unless you don't agree to our terms." I added. Niki glared at me.  
"We are just here to help you see our point of view, not hurt you."  
Chris looked slightly relieved.  
"Now," I said "I'll take off your gag of you promise not to scream or make noise."  
Chris nodded and I ripped the duct tape strip off his face.  
"Ow!" He said, rubbing his jaw. "Now, what is it that you two want? Are you terrorists or something?"  
"Simple. Three letters. M. S. R. Mulder Scully Romance. We want you to stop denying it and just let it happen. I mean, how much tension can you put between two people before one of the explodes, real or fictional?"  
"I can't do that. It would ruin the show."  
Niki looked at him suspiciously.  
"Says who?"  
"The network, the viewers, everyone."  
"Not David Duchovny."  
"How did you know about that?"  
"One can hear some very interesting things while crawling in an air conditioning duct."  
"Oh."  
"Anyway, we're not talking full blown married with 2.5 children. No, I'm thinking more along the lines of a real kiss or a date perhaps. Although you did very well with Rain King in discussing the UST, but full on denial is not pleasing to me. Oh yeah, one more thing. Kill Diana Fowley." Niki turned to me and nodded, grinning.  
  
[on with the Christorture -Niki]  
  
"Karyn, you forgot one thing! We want Spender back."  
CC shook his head.  
"Impossible. He's dead, shot in the head." Does Chris know anything?  
"Chris, Chris, Chris, All we know is cancerman pulled a gun and we HEARD shots. You did the same thing a few years ago. Besides, on the X Files, nobody is ever really dead."  
He shrugged.  
"Now, we also had some ideas for the show."  
"Now wait a second. I'm in charge here and I'll do whatever I darn well feel like."  
"Tsk tsk tsk." I said, "You shouldn't use profanity like that. Now Karyn, will you please explain to Chris here what will happen if our demands are not met?"  
  
[me again! - Karyn]  
  
I looked over at the instruments of torture Niki had assembled on the table. The wide range went from a John Tesh CD and a Barney sing along video to more conventional methods like rope to hang him by his toes and a pre-soaked leather strap (wrap it around his head, it shrinks as it dries and produces very nice skull fractures mwa hahahha! ) Then I looked at Chris. He was sitting there, eyes wide, waiting for my prophecy of his impending doom. An "I love torturing people" look came across my face.  
"First, I'd like to explain my background in torture. I love it. I've done reports and research projects on it and I love studying it. But I'd love even more to use my methods on you!" I watched his terrified expression and laughed evilly as he squirmed. His expression became even more horrified as I explained my favorite form of torture, Druid Human Sacrifice.(for those of you unfamiliar with the druid culture, druid human sacrificial methods consisted of things like arrow impalement, effigy burning, and my personal favorite, sticking a saber in a man's back and prophesizing the future by his convulsions!)   
"Y-you can't do that to me! I'm a major TV producer!" He stuttered.  
"And I have millions of supporters on the net. So what? Listen surfer dude. Meet our demands or else I will let Karyn use her expertise on you!" Niki looked into his eyes, dead serious.  
"O-o-o-okay. What do you want?"  
"Well, if you're going to insist on keeping Diana Fowley alive, then use her as an outlet for Scully's feelings towards Mulder. Make her admit her jealousy in front of Mulder. Make Mulder see how much a traitor Fowley is, like Krycek, the kill her off."  
Chris thought for a moment.  
"Hmmmm.. I could use that. Yeah, I like it."  
"Good, now as for the relationship between Mulder and Scully..."  
"I told you already! It won't work! I won't do it!"  
I threatened to tape his mouth back up and he silenced.  
"Yes, but how many close encounters of the romantic kind can two people have before something happens? How long can you really hold out this game of cat and mouse? Be honest!"  
"I can understand where you're coming from but-"  
"No buts! I explained this already, nothing serious enough to change the ratings of the show, just an episode or two that acknowledge the fact that *something* is there."  
A voice crackled in my earpiece.  
"Mayday! Mayday! Abort mission! I repeat abort mission!"  
"What is it Krysten?"  
"His adorableness is coming your way, he's about 50 feet from the door looks like he's come to visit the surfer god."  
"Oh crap!" I turned and began packing up my (sadly) unused torture devices. Niki tapped my shoulder.  
"What's going on?" "Someone's coming."  
"What should we do about him?" She pointed to our captive, who was now grinning at the thought that he'd be rescued soon.  
"Oh, *that* He'll be found eventually. Just leave him here."  
Niki and I hoisted ourselves up into the vent and closed it just as the sexiest man alive walked into the room. Niki gasped.  
"OH. My. God. That's.... that's..."  
I nodded, grinning at the sight of *him*   
"Yep" We watched his reaction to Chris's incapacitated state. I must tell you, the sight of David Duchovny laughing hysterically is.. well... funny!  
"Chris, I told you to be careful about that secretary of yours, she's a feisty one!"  
Chris was not amused.  
"C'mon, Duchovny, cut me loose!"  
"What the hell happened to you?" David began to cut at the duct tape.  
"A couple of girls jumped me and tied me up like some kind of terrorist group, threatening me if I didn't succumb to their demands."  
"Really. Whatever you say."  
"No, really! They were nuts I tell you! Nuts!"  
His adorableness finished cutting him loose and was about to go. As we headed down the passage, we could hear the surfer god screaming.  
"NO! NO! Don't leave me! They're going to come back I tell you! They're going to get me!!!  
~fin~  



End file.
